Or more realistically five ways to improve the chances of sex in your garden.
Five FANTASTIC WAYS to improve SEX in your GARDEN!
Five fantastic ways to get more sex in your garden, or at least increase odds in your favour. 1, Privacy. 2, Comfort. 3, Space. 4, Sounds. 5 , Smell.
I’m not a sex counsellor, or an expert in various techniques (at the time of writing, anyway) and of course, I am assuming that everything works as it should do and if your world was as you would like it to be and if it’s an option, you would want to, then the following is definitely a guide to making the activity more comfortable. This is an introduction. I’ll go into all aspects over the next few weeks in greater detail, so keep tuned in…
- PRIVACY is generally a big issue. I am aware that for some, exhibitionism is a pleasure, however, for most of us a little privacy is a requirement. Most houses these days are overlooked by their neighbours. In fact, new builds are so often built so close to each other you could virtually shake hands out of the windows. Bungalows are a rarity and expensive, so they are not an option for most of us. The only way is to raise your boundary by some means. The law says you can have a six foot fence with two foot of trellis. Generally, that’s eight foot in total and still not high enough to keep out most onlookers. So, it’s planting then. There are plants to use, use with care, and some that you should avoid altogether. It’s all in the Garden Design.
- COMFORT. Nobody likes to be uncomfortable having sex. Well again, most of us, as far as I know! Paving rubs, benches are hard and mud, well it’s dirty. Grass is ok, although it can get wet, and then muddy. So, some soft furnishing would help. Where are you going to put it? What time of day would you like to have sex? It’s important, really! It will affect where you put that furnishing. Ambient temperature is very much dependant on where the sun is, although other sources of heat and light are available, the sun for most of us is the most cost efficient. Of course, you might also want some where to woo said partner, you know candles, good food and a glass… Its all in the Garden Design. (Check other sources for great food and recipes)
- SPACE. In your garden that is, not outer space. How much space do you need? Some folk are just kind of ‘lay there and crack on…’ some people may get into more motion and require a space that will allow movement with out collisions and in a garden there are a lot more means of hurting yourself during a moment of, shall we say, focus, than indoors. Thorns, posts, steps or various types of material edges, not to mention falling into the pond! Again, its all in the Gardens Design.
- SOUNDS. Are you a noisy love maker? Valid point surely. Sounds in your garden could become very important in setting the scene, water trickling gently, or the wind blowing through bamboo canes or the leaves of a silver birch, sounds will always help set the scene and make your garden a romantic palace. If you’re a little noisy in your lovemaking though you might want some louder sounds that will help give some privacy. You might want to be heard as much as seen… A great Garden Design will help you address that!
- SMELL. What does your garden smell like? Part of setting the scene must involve the scents that can proliferate your garden if appropriate planting is included. Jasmine smalls beautiful, as does honeysuckle, (at the time of writing (June), honeysuckle scent is powerful enough to stop you in your tracks on a still day) and there are many others. It’s not only the planting, but the care taken in placing the chosen plants, that will have an effect on the atmosphere and mood in your garden. Some plants small like rotting meat, they are probably best avoided. It’s all in the Garden Design.
So, if you fancy having some sex in the garden then you need to talk to a garden designer. You might be thinking, ‘yes, and he’s a fella, they all do’ and you’d be right, but I am trying to think with a large connection to my feminine side and thus also as a garden designer.
A garden designer will try to help you set the scene you want. This has been a bit of fun (?) but every point raised is relevant to what ever you want to do in your garden. One of my favourite activities in my garden is to dance. I’ll talk about that in another blog, but you can find some idea of what I’m talking about if you check out my other website. See link below
Simon Pollard. Urban countryman. June 2023.