Anxiety is a bloody pain. It can whack you for no reason just when you least expect it. It doesn’t matter how well you can manage it. How many strategies you have to deal with it. There are times when for no reason you just get walloped by it.
Overactive fight, flight or freeze mode may explain the chemistry, but it doesn’t explain what’s going on when you get side swiped for no reason you can explain.
One of the worst things about it is that it can render you inactive and it becomes hard to prevent it enveloping you in an inactive bubble. You just want to wrap up warm, in a duvet or bath and wallow. Avoid having to make any decisions at all, and that’s exactly what you shouldn’t do. Many try to control everything in their orbit, the events and people around them. That doesn’t work either. You have to do something. Refocus the brain, the mind. Put it in a new location, or motion.
Yesterday I got side swiped just when I wasn’t expecting to. Normally I’d just get up and head off out into the countryside, or at least my garden, or get the swords out and get involved into some motion. But, there’s always a ‘but’, supporting those with similar difficulties is part of what makes me me. I should capture this moment on video and put it out there for others, or should I? Indecision was crippling. Would it help people or would they treat it derisively. Too much thinking. I messaged my wife, what would she say? She’s always good for advice and has my best interests at heart.
I messaged her, no answer. Bugger, that leaves it to me then. I dithered for a while before making up my mind to do it. I did it. One take. I was pleased, recorded it and put it out there. Took forever to load. But load it did.
Got some great engagement too.
Why did it get me yesterday morning though? I’ve just had a lovely weekend away with my beautiful wife. That’s good. I had another lead drop in yesterday, that’s good. Got a new laptop arrived, whilst I’d rather not have to spend the money, its always nice to have a new toy. That’s good. I’d been to great networking meeting that has thrown up some great possibilities, that’s good and I’d had a good meeting with a high-profile gentleman I am likely to be working with, whilst he wasn’t in a position to make some 100% commitments he has agreed in principle. That’s good.
So why did I have anxiety come crashing down on me half an hour later. That’s the real issue. I lost a couple of hours of the day and had to work like stink to make sure I got enough out of the day not to compound the lousy feeling. And that I did. My wife took me out to a comedy evening. That fits into what I needed rather than what I wanted. It was funny though.
I got up this morning and went through my usual routine, then had a networking meeting. All is good and exciting, but anxiety is still swimming around my gut and if I don’t keep him firmly in check then he will engulf me soon as think about it.
Good job I am stubborn and will not let that happen.
If you’ve read this far then thank you. You’re not alone. Just be stubborn. Anxiety doesn’t define you. It makes you a fighter. A warrior.
An irony. A warrior, not a worrier. Change one letter for massively good feelings…
Simon Pollard Garden designer and Countryman Oct 2023